The months leading up to graduation left me with nothing but
visions of my place in the world. Some days I would feel so lost, as if my only
place was glued to a chair working somewhere I hated. Other days I would feel
exceptionally successful and imagine myself traveling the world and writing
whatever my eyes and heart laid witness to.
As the months turned
into weeks and the weeks into days, I saw my life as less of a limitation and
more as an opportunity. More importantly, I saw myself conquering my biggest
fear and what constantly holds me back.
I envisioned a life where I was no longer my greatest fear.
I stopped telling myself I wasn’t good enough. I didn’t take “No” for an
answer. Lastly, I told myself “Yes” more
often. In this alternate reality, I told myself the cliché that anything can be
accomplished as long as I put my mind and heart into it. This reality told me
that my belief in myself is what has made me the writer and business woman I am
today. I left college to pursue a meaning in my life beyond a job. I sought
after what made me happy.
It has been almost a year since I have graduated college. I have
a job I love and coworkers who have done nothing but encourage me to succeed in
every way possible. My family has
continued to be my support system and I wouldn’t ask for anything less.
Although so much goodness consumes my day to day life, I still feel that
missing piece in my heart.
I told myself I would continue to write. I gave myself
timelines, projects, and goals. I wanted to travel, indulge in the cultures
across oceans, and put ink to paper. My heart is missing the accomplishment I
have been seeking from the moment I graduated college and gave myself
permission to say “Yes.”
I can already hear the voices of those reading.
“It’s only been a
year.” To me it feels like a lifetime.
“You have the rest of your life.” I want to fill my life
with what I love.
“There is still time. You’re still so young. Experience
comes with time.” I am running out of time.
The more time I spend thinking in terms of “what if” and “I wish,”
the less time I spend in action. I have become so repetitive and I have already
begun to settle. I wake up, work out, go to work, go home, and go to sleep. I
am always in motion, but in no direction to better my desire to write more
often. I have entered a cycle of repetition that doesn’t include writing or
traveling. My heart wanders to the places I wish to venture, but my mind calls
me back to reality.
Like most people, money plays a part in almost any type of
decision. It tells you what you can eat for dinner, where you can buy your
clothes, and if you should see that new movie now or wait for it to be on DVD.
It dictates how you budget your finances and freedom. In a sense, it sets your
limitations.
Towards the end of 2015 I felt lost, alone, and afraid.
Although I was surrounded by so much kindness and love, I had lost sight of
myself. I forgot how I felt when I wrote about something I felt strongly about.
I forgot about the power of my words and what they do to me. I lost myself in
the fast pace society of money ruling everything around me. I had become
dependent on the notion that I would eventually get around to writing again. I
depended on my support system to tell me everything was going to be ok instead
of saying it myself. I started telling myself “No” instead of “Yes.”
It’s nearing the middle of February 2016 and I am ready to
find myself again. I am ready to write without fear of what people think. I am
ready to travel and experience the world from a different lens than ever before.
Money will not entirely dictate the way I choose to live. I am going to allow
myself to become more independent and give myself opportunities I would otherwise
give an excuse for.
After all, it isn’t too late for a New Year’s Resolution,
right?
