Confusing Food and Drinks

Food is a part of everyday life. Aside from water, food fuels our brains and offers us colorful options for ways of getting our energy. I'm a colorful eater. I love fruits and veggies of all colors, however, there are a few that just don't make sense to me.

1. Mushrooms: No. Mushrooms are fungi. Fungi grows on poop. In my mind, eating a mushroom is like eating poop. 
2. Fresh Tomatoes: I don't get them. Are they a fruit or are the a vegetable? I don't put them in my fruit salad, but they are still considered fruit. Ahhhh, so confusing!
3. Beets: How do you eat them? Pickled? Cooked? Raw?! The color tells me to halt and reconsider what I am about to consume. That dark red juice stains your hands and clothing in the same way that wine does, so why am I always tempted to try it when wearing white??
4. Juice that does not need to be refrigerated: I am talking about the cranberry and apple juice in the drink aisles at the grocery store. How is it possible that there is actually such a small amount of real fruit in there that it does not need to be kept cold. This makes absolutely no sense. 
5. The yolk in hard boiled eggs: I can't even handle it as a deviled egg. It is just this yellow-y powder-y clump of weirdness. I just can't bring myself to look at it.
6. Bananas in fruit salad: To whoever does this: why? Weird, mushy, browning banana all up in my fruit salad? No thanks.
7. Nuts in my dessert: If I wanted to eat some peanuts, I would just eat them. Plain and simple. But when I want to eat dessert, I want my ice cream, cake, cupcake, or whatever, to not include nuts. Stop it. Just stop.
8. Bugs: I understand that there is a lot of protein in those little critters, however, unless you are planning on paying me, I am not going to touch them. I cannot stand them when they are alive, and I am not going to eat them when they are dead.
9. Brains and Cow Tongue: Lengua? No thanks. Brains? Nope. I ain't no Hannibal Lector.
10. Anchovies: Sdkafjnrnejnvosefnvs!!!!!!! In other words, YUCK! I'll stick to freshly caught fish that doesn't come in a can.

Rihanna Wrote a Song About Drugs.

So the other night I was stretch-dancing to Rihanna's song Stay in my zumba class, but was completely distracted by her lyrics. I always thought that this song was actually about drugs, but now I have proof. I am going to prove my point by taking you on a lyrical journey through her entire song, pointing out where either the drugs or God (sung by Mikky Ekko) make a musical appearance.

All along it was a fever:
A cold sweat hot-headed believer
Like, seriously. That fever is the withdrawal from all that Molly you have been popping with Miley. 

                    http://rollingout.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/04/Rihanna-Coachella-Drugs-3-001.jpg

I threw my hands in the air, said, "Show me something,"
He said, "If you dare, come a little closer."
Oh my gosh RiRi, you can't get everything you want just by throwing your hands in the air and flipping out on poor Mikky Ekko, your drug dealer. And girl, you better watch out. I am pretty sure that was a threat he just made.

Round and around and around and around we go
Oh now, tell me now, tell me now, tell me now you know.
Please don't tell me he just hit you and your head is all spinning around in circles. Well, I did warn you that he was threatening you when he dared you to come closer to him. Also, asking him to tell you where the drugs are isn't going to change anything. That fool is still cray.

Not really sure how to feel about it.
Something in the way you move
Makes me feel like I can't live without you.
It takes me all the way.
I want you to stay
Well now you've done it RiRi. You have officially been hooked. Ain't nobody got time foh dat!
You are gonna need some serious rehab if you want to get out of this mess without touching lips with death. You do not want the drug to stay. It's a liar and a cheater and abuses you, just like your ex-boo!!

It's not much of a life you're living
It's not just something you take–it's given

RiRi, You better start listening to Mr. Mikky! That dude may be a drug dealer, but he knows what life is all about. This is also where I think God totally takes over Mikky's body and is all like, "Rihanna. I gave you that life. Don't you dare go taking it away with that Molly shit."

Round and around and around and around we go
Oh now, tell me now, tell me now, tell me now you know.
There goes Mikky again, acting like a fool. Dude, hitting women is not ok. Hitting anybody is not ok! Why you gotta do her like that?

Not really sure how to feel about it.
Something in the way you move
Makes me feel like I can't live without you.
It takes me all the way.
I want you to stay.

I think I can honestly say that God is still inside Mikky's body. If this really were God, this is what all this mumbo jumbo means:
"Hey RiRi..sooooo I know you like this drug Molly and all, but you're becoming a bit of a crackhead. I don't really know how to feel about this, since it makes you move all weird and you look like you might be about to have an overdose. You're just so vulnerable and it makes me feel like I can't live without you, buuuuuuuut, I can't bring you heaven looking like such a hot mess. So, I want you to stay and figure your shit out before you see me again."

Ooh, ooh, ooh, the reason I hold on
Ooh, ooh, ooh, 'cause I need this hole gone
(RiRi is singing again) 
Rihanna, you're running out of excuses. Either you get help and figure out how to fix your "hole" or you're gonna be seeing paradise a lot sooner than you should.

http://www.blogcdn.com/slideshows/images/slides/212/638/1/S2126381/slug/l/screen-shot-2013-12-30-at-7-32-29-pm-1.jpg

^^^I can't even^^^

Funny you're the broken one but I'm the only one who needed saving
'Cause when you never see the light it's hard to know which one of us is caving.

I am pretty sure God has left the scene of the crime and it is now just RiRi and Mikky the drug dealer. I don't really know what is happening right now, but I'm pretty sure they are in a face-off singing battle of some sort. 
From Rihanna's perspective, she is all like, "You are calling ME broken!? You are the broken one! You've never seen the light the way I have! I have seen God! It might be hard to tell which one of us is caving, but if I am being honest, it's you."
From Druggie Mikky's perspective: "You are calling ME broken!? You are the broken one! Girl, all you do is see the light! Fool, I may pretend that I don't know which one of us is caving, but I am also a liar. I' a drug dealer. This shouldn't surprise you.

Not really sure how to feel about it.
Something in the way you move
Makes me feel like I can't live without you.
It takes me all the way.
I want you to stay, stay.

I want you to stay, oh. 

Man, they must love working through their problems via singing, because this whole last part is a duet. 

Welcome to the Judgment "Free" Zone

The other day I was made aware of the story about a woman at a Richmond Planet Fitness being asked to put on a shirt because her toned body was intimidating other people in the gym (Gym Tells Woman to Cover that Sh*t Up). Yes, it is true that her outfit was not following the dress code, however, I have witnessed people wearing far more ratchet clothing than what she was wearing.

Above pictured is the woman who was apparently too fit to function. Below is an example of a sign at a planet fitness, stating their dress code.

I would personally like to point out something wrong with this image. Planet Fitness has a motto to be a "judgment-free zone," yet at the bottom of this image it is written "all subject to our judgment." Uhmm, huh?? Were they on drugs when they wrote this? Is this a joke? 

Going back to toned and tanned Tiffany up top, at the Vallejo Planet Fitness, part of their dress code does include that spaghetti strap tank tops are not allowed, along with the same regulations as the ones in the above image. 

Let me give you a list of different outfits I have seen while working out at good ole Planet Fitness, none of which include spaghetti strap tanks:

1. Men and women wearing pajama pants. I'm not even talking about the plaid pants or those sweats that bunch at the ankles. I'm talking about those fleece pajama pants that come out at Christmas time and have football team logos plastered all over them in ways similar to a teenager having a massive acne breakout. Sure, they may seem comfortable, but you look ridiculous.
2. Crocs. First, those shoes should be illegal. Like, wow. That's a nice pair of Crocs, said no one ever. Crocs should never be worn, but if you are a person who owns them, I suggest they only be worn in your house, on Halloween, or if you are going dumpster diving. 
3. Men and women wearing pajama pants AND Crocs. This is like a double threat. Please reconsider your wardrobe choices. Ladies and Gentlemen, I am not saying that you should get all dolled with your makeup and hair done. With that being said, you need to invest in some shoes with laces.
4. Women wearing their hair down. Honey, this is not a club. Put your hair up. This really bothers me (this was more of a personal one). You may think you look like Beyonce, running on that tread mill and shaking your hips to whatever song you're listening to, but you don't. You look like a hyena having a seizure. 

Out of all these four things, I have never seen any of these people being told that they needed to change. I find nothing wrong with this woman wearing ACTUAL workout clothes to, guess what? Work out! What I do have a problem with is people looking like a hot mess and wearing sleep wear to exercise. This is not a bed and breakfast, this is a gym people!

I would also like to say that I still continue to exercise here, but the prices are really low and I am a poor, starving college student.

     

The Girl Who Loved the Rain

School sucks, but at the same time, it is the best thing that could have ever happened to me. On one side I'm like, "Hey! I get to meet new people, learn new things, and gain valuable 'real world' experience!" On the other side I'm like, "Oh dear God, why are you doing this to me?"

School provides so much stability and structure, which everyone could use a little more of, however, it prevents me from doing what I truly desire. What is this you ask? Writing. 

Writing is a way of giving me an escape from reality. I can type (or write) for hours on end, yet it will seem as if only minutes passed. A hectic school life combined with a part-time job (which I love) can sometimes prevent me from writing. My motivation can be lost in the waves of equations and papers I have to write, which of course,  limit my incredible creative mind. This past semester has been particularly difficult. Long gone are the days where I can wake up, smell the roses (more like coffee), and gently put my thoughts into action.

Although this problem will most likely stick with me through adulthood, it is something I can fix. I can make more time for myself. How did I come up with this fabulous idea? Let me tell you a little story about a fictional character I dreamt of, then forced myself to write about.

She was drenched. Covered in rain water, her tears were hidden as she walked the rocky path alone. Emptiness was all she felt, which only made her feel more alone. She carefully walked around puddle after puddle, each which only grew larger as she walked down the broken road. Thoughts constantly poured into her mind as she thought of her failure. Everything she loved had been lost and all she felt was empty. All she wanted was to once again, feel fulfilled. Suddenly she stopped as she peered down below her at yet another puddle. Looking at her own reflection, she saw her face. Although the rain covered her pain, she still knew it was there. After what felt like hours of staring, she jumped. Splash! 

Water from the puddle she jumped into flew out in every direction and flowed further down the road. She jumped and tore at this massive puddle until nothing was left but a few drops of water. 

Looking back down, she no longer saw her reflection. Instead, she saw a new beginning. She saw an opportunity to fill this puddle up with water on her own, and rewrite how she would see herself.

The rain halted to a light mist as she looked up at the sky and smiled. The girl dried her face and began her journey back up the path, for she was no longer alone and feeling empty. 

This is a brief encounter I had with a dream, where I realized something. It is up to me to find my motivation to continue doing what I love most. If I let things get in the way of this, I will always have a sense of emptiness. I will always feel that something is missing. Until I take charge, I will always be fighting the world instead of us working together. 

Emptiness is no longer an option, but fulfillment is.

Kany West is A Very Mean Man

Every now and then a lightbulb sparks over my head and I have a feeling that whatever I write will be the most popular post yet.
Then I started to think about my "Kanye West is A (Insert Bad Word Here)" post. Don't worry, I still think he is a (Insert Bad Word Here). But I don't think I justfied the situation. In fact, I think I was too nice, and at one point, stooped down to his level with all of the cursing and whatnot.
I am going to fix this. Today, I am going to be writing "Kanye West is A Very Mean Man."

To do this, I will give a list of valid reasons.

Reason Number 1: The basics. Interrupting Taylor Swift. Why? Just why? Why is it so hard for Kanye to hold his tongue? Right now, I am imagining what Kanye's life would be like if he never pulled that move. People might even like him. He could even have T-Swift fans at his concert.

Reason Number 2: Naming his child "North West." What is she, an airplane? You don't have to give that poor child a name like that. Hell, I have no idea if that baby is a boy or a girl, and with a name like that, (s)he is going to suffer the consequences of Kim and Kanye's emotional relationship. Kanye, believe it or not, there are other names out there that can be both unisex and flattering. Geesh. Get with the program.

Reason Number 3: The sex tape he made with Kim Kardashian. Nope. I am not confusing him with RayJ. Have you seen his music video that Kim is in?! HashtagPORNO. Did he forget he has a child and that one day that child will see it?! And what will (s)he think about that?! That poor North West will be so embarrassed.

Reason Number 4: He thinks that his success and "fame" means that he lives a dangerous life. So dangerous, that he does not understand why those in the military feel that their job is more dangerous than his rap career.

Reason Number 5: Most obviously, he has an attitude problem. I guarantee that if he ever turned to a religion and found peace and turned over a new life and blah, blah, blah, I would not believe him. He is a born liar with some serious tude.

Reason Number 6: He thinks his music is greater than it actually is. I think he is only famous for the songs he is featured in.

• The Bounce by JayZ
• Ni**as in Paris by JayZ
• Swagga Like us By T.I.
• American Boy by Estelle
• Forever by Drake
• Run This Town by JayZ
• Knock You Down by Keri Hilson
• E.T. by Katy Perry

Ok. Maybe he does have a few songs that are decent, but I do not think any of them are as good as the ones he is featured in.

Reason Number 7: He has no soul. He's probably the anti-christ. The picture below speaks for itself.

In conclusion, I think I did a rather decent job at explaining why Kanye West is perhaps, not the best role model for children and should just go hide under a rock with Crazy Kim.

I've Got the Moves Like Jagger

Throughout the past year, I have made it a point to be more conscious of how often I exercise and of making healthier life choices in general. At the end of my last semester, I had one unit open. Opportunity had arisen for me to take a Zumba class on Tuesday nights from 615-730. I thought, what the hell, I can't be the worst dancer in there. It's just a bunch of hip shaking and booty working, mixed in with some arm movement. I would like to clarify that I was in fact the worst dancer in that room, or at least on the top ten list.

Let's being with reason number one why I was awful: lack of coordination. Everyone moves their feet to the left and my hips move left with the class, but my arms and legs are telling a different story. I swear it was like a Footloose parody watching me attempt to gain rhythm in my life. Have you seen that movie Napoleon Dynamite? Do you remember his dance number? Yep. That was me (Napoleon Dance Scene Aka: Madison's Dancing Skills). I wish I were exaggerating. I kid you not when I say that I looked just like Napoleon. Even in the facial expressions. You know, the mouth slightly open as your lower jaw drops and your eyes begin to droop because you're so focused on the moves and keeping up with the teacher and the rest of the class.

This brings me to reason number two: there were mirrors everywhere! You had no where to hide from yourself. I am my own worst distraction. I constantly got distracted looking at my reflection as I am unsuccessfully trying to master the art of Zumba. At some points I looked like a fish out of water, flapping around and gasping for air. When I say this, I don't mean that I was out of breath. I mean that I looked incredibly ridiculous. Let me tell you something. I was the best at being the worst. And my hips don't lie. I know this because I could see them in the mirrors all around me.

The third and final reason as to why I was awful: I should be great. I'm Hispanic. I should have that salsa rhythm and that extra spice when moving. Nope. Definitely didn't happen. I was more like the man in this video: White Man Can't Dance (And Neither Can I). You are going to want to click that link. It honestly is the most accurate description of my skills.

I also had no clue that Zumba included so much jumping. For those of you who don't know me, I have rather large boobs. I wear two sports bras because of this, and I think I might see a third one in my near future. I don't think I can take the pain that my chest had to endure from all that jumping yesterday.

Overall, I had a wonderful time. I think my lack of Zumba experience and rhythm really added some uniqueness to the class, that would otherwise be missing without me there. People in this class should start thanking me. I have blessed them with both entertainment and comical performances for roughly and hour and a half. Every Tuesday night. You're welcome, fellow classmates.

Things that don't make sense to me.

Things that don't make sense to me:


1. I keep seeing all these recipes on Pinterest about "calorie free desserts." Ummm isn't that just a fancy term for water? And what about low calorie-guilt free cupcakes?! Let me tell you something. I don't eat cupcakes very often. So if by chance I decide to eat a damn cupcake, you better believe I'll be eating all the guilt that comes with it.

2. Fruit salad as a dessert option. I can understand if you want something sweet and you are all your dinner but don't want to take in all the sugars of a cake or pie or cookies. That makes sense to me. BUT, if you are out to dinner and you look at the dessert section on the menu and you see a fruit salad, I would run. Run fast. It's a trap.

3. I like eating healthy. I like how I feel refreshed and not like a spud who has been soaking in a deep fryer for the past 45 years. With that being said, I can't stand it when I'm grabbing a bag of lettuce from the grocery store and there is a list of ingredients where I can't even pronounce half of the items listed. Long gone are the days where "spinach, carrots, and mixed greens" were the only words on the ingredient list. AND, if I want the bag that says just that, I have to pay an extra $3. Who do you think I am? I had to look under couch cushions to find the change that paid for the cheap bag of "lettuce." What makes you think I can afford an expensive one??

4. I don't understand why I never hear about certain people getting punched in the face. If I think you're annoying, chances are everyone else will think that too. So why hasn't anyone ever dealt with your annoyance by giving you a little love tap to the face? Someone needs to serve those people a tall glass of fruit punch!

5. Lastly, I don't know why it's been almost a month since I last played Cards Against Humanity. That game is legit. Where else can you sit around a table with your family and read cards out loud that have profanity written all over them and have it all be deemed acceptable? Hashtag, who is coming over next week to play?!
Just kidding, I don't own the game. But I do have Apples to Apples and some popcorn.