I've Got the Moves Like Jagger

Throughout the past year, I have made it a point to be more conscious of how often I exercise and of making healthier life choices in general. At the end of my last semester, I had one unit open. Opportunity had arisen for me to take a Zumba class on Tuesday nights from 615-730. I thought, what the hell, I can't be the worst dancer in there. It's just a bunch of hip shaking and booty working, mixed in with some arm movement. I would like to clarify that I was in fact the worst dancer in that room, or at least on the top ten list.

Let's being with reason number one why I was awful: lack of coordination. Everyone moves their feet to the left and my hips move left with the class, but my arms and legs are telling a different story. I swear it was like a Footloose parody watching me attempt to gain rhythm in my life. Have you seen that movie Napoleon Dynamite? Do you remember his dance number? Yep. That was me (Napoleon Dance Scene Aka: Madison's Dancing Skills). I wish I were exaggerating. I kid you not when I say that I looked just like Napoleon. Even in the facial expressions. You know, the mouth slightly open as your lower jaw drops and your eyes begin to droop because you're so focused on the moves and keeping up with the teacher and the rest of the class.

This brings me to reason number two: there were mirrors everywhere! You had no where to hide from yourself. I am my own worst distraction. I constantly got distracted looking at my reflection as I am unsuccessfully trying to master the art of Zumba. At some points I looked like a fish out of water, flapping around and gasping for air. When I say this, I don't mean that I was out of breath. I mean that I looked incredibly ridiculous. Let me tell you something. I was the best at being the worst. And my hips don't lie. I know this because I could see them in the mirrors all around me.

The third and final reason as to why I was awful: I should be great. I'm Hispanic. I should have that salsa rhythm and that extra spice when moving. Nope. Definitely didn't happen. I was more like the man in this video: White Man Can't Dance (And Neither Can I). You are going to want to click that link. It honestly is the most accurate description of my skills.

I also had no clue that Zumba included so much jumping. For those of you who don't know me, I have rather large boobs. I wear two sports bras because of this, and I think I might see a third one in my near future. I don't think I can take the pain that my chest had to endure from all that jumping yesterday.

Overall, I had a wonderful time. I think my lack of Zumba experience and rhythm really added some uniqueness to the class, that would otherwise be missing without me there. People in this class should start thanking me. I have blessed them with both entertainment and comical performances for roughly and hour and a half. Every Tuesday night. You're welcome, fellow classmates.

Things that don't make sense to me.

Things that don't make sense to me:


1. I keep seeing all these recipes on Pinterest about "calorie free desserts." Ummm isn't that just a fancy term for water? And what about low calorie-guilt free cupcakes?! Let me tell you something. I don't eat cupcakes very often. So if by chance I decide to eat a damn cupcake, you better believe I'll be eating all the guilt that comes with it.

2. Fruit salad as a dessert option. I can understand if you want something sweet and you are all your dinner but don't want to take in all the sugars of a cake or pie or cookies. That makes sense to me. BUT, if you are out to dinner and you look at the dessert section on the menu and you see a fruit salad, I would run. Run fast. It's a trap.

3. I like eating healthy. I like how I feel refreshed and not like a spud who has been soaking in a deep fryer for the past 45 years. With that being said, I can't stand it when I'm grabbing a bag of lettuce from the grocery store and there is a list of ingredients where I can't even pronounce half of the items listed. Long gone are the days where "spinach, carrots, and mixed greens" were the only words on the ingredient list. AND, if I want the bag that says just that, I have to pay an extra $3. Who do you think I am? I had to look under couch cushions to find the change that paid for the cheap bag of "lettuce." What makes you think I can afford an expensive one??

4. I don't understand why I never hear about certain people getting punched in the face. If I think you're annoying, chances are everyone else will think that too. So why hasn't anyone ever dealt with your annoyance by giving you a little love tap to the face? Someone needs to serve those people a tall glass of fruit punch!

5. Lastly, I don't know why it's been almost a month since I last played Cards Against Humanity. That game is legit. Where else can you sit around a table with your family and read cards out loud that have profanity written all over them and have it all be deemed acceptable? Hashtag, who is coming over next week to play?!
Just kidding, I don't own the game. But I do have Apples to Apples and some popcorn.