From Bow Wow to Lil Romeo

The other night I was watching Like Mike (don't judge me). While singing along to "He's playing ba-sket-ball (Bow Wow Plays Basketball)," it occurred to me that I can't remember the last time I heard someone talking about Bow Wow. What happened to him? I then remembered that back in my early teenage years there was a feud between him and Lil Romeo. Then I thought, what the hell happened to Romeo!?
Sooooooo I googled both of them and here is the conclusion I came to:

Lil Bow Wow: Now referred to as Bow Wow (real name: Shad Gregory Moss)

In December of 2012 on his website, bowwowtoday.com, he posted what I thought was a blog entry titled "I'm Back." As it turns out, they were lyrics to a song he apparently wrote or performed or something.
I also remember that he played a hippy in that movie Roll Bounce (2005), but considering that it has been about eight years since this came out, I think it is safe to say that his role as a "hippy" might not actually be his role. I'm gonna have to watch this movie again.
The last song I remember him performing is 2007's Jump Off. It's actually a really catchy tune. I listen to it at least once a month.
Fun fact, if you click the "Read Full Bio" link on his website, it takes you to Wikipedia. How convenient. We all know how accurate Wikipedia can be.
Also, when I googled "Is Bow Wow" google finished my sentence with "Dead?" Ha. Google, you are funny.
I lost interest after clicking that link, so I shot my way over to Lil Romeo.


Lil Romeo: now referred to as Romeo (real name: Percy Romeo Miller Jr.)

I got bored after i put up these pictures, so instead, I googled "Bow Wow Romeo Feud." Here is what I found:

• Master P is Romeo's father. What!? How did I not know this??
• Romeo quit his music career to pursue a basketball career after Bow Wow said, " I want to be in the NBA." In a sense, Bow Wow already achieved that in the movie Like Mike, which surprisingly never showed Michael Jordan. 
• There is no actual mention of what the beef was really about. 
• I also found a picture of Bow Wow possibly making out with a man who was part woman. I'm not sure if she is a woman who became a male or a male who became a woman. Either way, it looked pretty manly. No judges though. Bow Wow, you just keep doing what you're doing. 

This could not be a more boring blog entry. I was hoping to find something along the lines of, "Romeo was caught in the act of hooking up with Bow Wow's man-girl, Juliet. A fight immediately broke out as swords were drawn and Bow Wow yelled out, WWHHYY!??!?!?!"

Was that too much? I felt like that was too much. If anyone else knows what these two people are doing with their lives, feel free to let me know.

You Know You're from Vallejo When...

Vallejo Bitch, Vallejo California. Ok seriously, I would never say that, but still, someone felt the need to sing a song about Vallejo that uses those words as lyrics (See Indecent the Slapmaster). Don't get me wrong, Vallejo has its upsides, like Liled's (the most fantastic ice cream shop in Vallejo) and Planet Fitness (where else can you work out at 2am and not get judged). That second reason was slightly sarcastic. I'm just cheap and it only costs $10/month. Moving on, you know you are from Vallejo when "YOUR" has been written as "UR." This isn't your BFF Jill, this is a public sign (IDK My BFF Jill?). 

Stuff like a man standing on the Benicia/Martinez sign is actually a common thing. As The Bangles would say, "Just another Manic Monday" or in the words of my sister, "Tuesdays in Vallejo."

Vallejo is the kind of place that has a prostitute on every corner and if you're a woman, the men will assume you are a hoe. One time, I was walking down Redwood Street looking for some dogs I was watching that escaped (long story and intended for another blog entry) from my house. I was about a mile away from my house when a man in a hydraulic car approached me. He asked me how old I was and if I wanted to make some money. My response went a little like this:
"RAPE! I'M CALLING MY GRANDMA! I'M TOO YOUNG FOR THIS. ME NO ESPEAKE ENLISH! GGRRAANNDDMMAA!!! 911!!!"
I really did call my grandma. I made her come get me as I ran in the direction she would be driving. He called me a bitch and drove off, but hey, at least I don't have an STD.

So, I survived being taken up as a hooker (by the way, I was in work clothes and it was raining, which consisted of black pants, a black shirt, and an oversized windbreaker), but that isn't the only way you will know that you're from Vallejo.

When people ask you, "Oh you live near Discovery Kingdom" and you reply with, "Where I come from, it's called Marine World."
Then they ask you, "So do you have a season pass?" and you reply with, "Do you want me to serve you some fruit PUNCH?"
Of course the answer is No. It's bad enough I can see that place from my back yard. The only time it comes in handy is when they have their fire work shows because I can just go outside and watch them without having to deal with people.

You also know you are from Vallejo when you see things like a Biscuit sign where the sodas are in Safeway.  If you are new to Vallejo, no matter what store you go in, you will most likely mistake it for Walmart

You know you are from Vallejo when you leave your house in Christmas pajamas in July and you see at least six other people doing the same thing. There is no shame in wearing pajamas in public. 

You are from Vallejo if you curse like a sailor. When I first started going to school in San Rafael, I had a terrible potty mouth. Since I lived on campus and all I saw were classy white people who say things like, "Crud Muffins" and "Oopsie Poopsie," I cleaned up my language. Sadly, I now commute from Vallejo, which also means I got back my potty mouth. 

Only in Vallejo will someone else's last name be CUCCHI." Ouch. That must've hurt growing up.

Speaking of Kaiser in Vallejo, I once went in for a basic eye exam, you know, the one where they stand you like 20 feet away from that letter board and make you cover one eye at a time and read where they point? Well, they gave me a Kleenex box so I could cover my eye. Talk about ratchet. 

You know you're from Vallejo when you think of it as a zoo. Everywhere you walk/drive, you see animals on the street. They have cats, dogs, possums, raccoons, and rats everywhere! Stanley was one of those animals. He was lucky enough to have some pity shed on him.

You know you're from Vallejo if you go to the movies and expect someone to be talking throughout the entire film. You also aren't surprised if a fight breaks out. I too have been involved in one. Some crackhead teenager was talking on the phone and my grandma politely asked her to walk out if she wanted to continue the conversation. This girl proceeded to finish her conversation, then kicked my grandma's chair and threw popcorn on her. NO BODY messes with my grandma! I gave that fool a piece of my mind. When she got kicked out, one person even whispered, "I don't wanna mess with that chick. Everybody better shut up." I felt like such a badass.

Lastly, you know you are from Vallejo when a homeless person turns down food but says they will "gladly except the money in your pocket." Bitch please. Even I don't have money for that. Hell, just last year, the lights on my fake Christmas tree died, so I had to improvise.

As a disclaimer, I would like to say that I have no shame in my Christmas tree. It reminds me of Charlie Brown.

On that note, Vallejo has its good attributes and its no so good attributes. As I always say, You can take the girl out of Vallejo, but you can't take the Vallejo out of the girl.

Things that go wrong in a woman's life

I decided to ask some of my lady friends about things that go wrong in a woman's life. Below are some of their responses, along with a few of my own.

1. No tampons at that time of the month.
2. No nail polish remover when it is time to change colors.
3. Walking past a hot guy and you are looking like a hot mess.
4. Looking like a hot mess when everyone and their mama decided to go out and see you. Im sorry, I didn't realize we were playing Where's Waldo and I have taken on the role of a man in a red and white striped shirt.
5. That awkward moment when you are on a first date and your man leans in for a kiss but you aren't so sure if it is open or closed mouth. You either get licked in the chin or you are the one doing the licking.
6. Getting a nastasass pimple before your first date. As if it weren't already a struggle deciding what to wear, you now have to find tattoo coverup.
7. Wearing a bikini with a tampon and that string hangs out. No mom, that isn't part of my bikini.
10. Falling off the treadmill at the gym. Trust me, there is a reason I don't use that machine anymore.

Sometimes, life really kicks you in the ass.  These ten examples are just the beginning to things that could go wrong in a woman's life. The struggle is real and all these responses have happened to either me or another woman! Damn, it's tough to be a woman.

Let's Hear it for My Favorite Senior Citizen

Grandma Dororty aka GG aka Finnie aka The Best Grandma to Walk the Earth:

1. My grandma is hilarious. To prove my point, here are a few examples in which I almost peed my pants:

Grandma: They should invent strollers for old people.
Me: They do. They're called wheelchairs.
----------

Grandma (discussing a surgery with my aunt): Did you poop a lot of air?

Me: Do you mean fart?
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Listening to my grandparents talking to each other on Father's Day:
Grandma: the barbecue is out of gas!
Grandpa: when I checked it last it was in the green. Sorry honey. 
Grandma: plan B! Go get the Morgan Freeman!
Grandpa: he makes cooking utensils now too?...do you mean the George Foreman? 



2. She isn't afraid to get down with some fake mustaches:

3. It's been over ten years, and she still makes awesome faces like this one:

4. She isn't afraid to take a nap in public...and next to a stranger nonetheless:

5. She has her own garden that would put everyone else's garden to shame. Need fresh lettuce? No problem, just visit my grandma.

6. She did this:

7. She has a Facebook...and uses it regularly.

8. She still gets down with the get-down!

9. If she sees a tree with fruit, you better believe she will take it as her own.

10. Check out that smile! She is timeless!

My grandma is so badass. If those pictures didn't prove it, then I don't know what to tell you, other than you must be blind. That's the only acceptable explanation. Otherwise, it's ok if you want her to be your grandma too. I'm sure she would love to adopt you. 

Bucketlist #1

1. Visit a strip club: Since I will be 21 in just a few short months, I might as well do this in Vegas. Like, an all male strip club where gay men go to watch men...like Magic Mike. Also, a female one, so I can say I did it and then I can go home and take a shower and wash my eyes out with bleach....or an even better idea: I can go to the female strip club first, then to take the burn out of my eyes, I can go visit a Magic Mike club. Genius. Pure Genius.
2. Flash Mob: My moves like Jagger could pull all those flash mobs to shame, but instead of showing off, I would like to join in on a flash mob and get my groove on in public.
3. Dress up like a Potato: There is a backstory to this. It involves one of my favorite dumb blonde jokes. Here it goes: A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead rob a bank. As they are hightailing it out and attempting to escape the poepoe (police), they run inside a bar and hide in the back. The brunette sees 3 empty potato sacks and so each one hides inside a sack. The police come to find nothing except for 3 potato sacks. Out of frustration, an officer kicks the first potato sack where the brunette was hiding. She quickly replied by saying "meow meow..." And so the officer just says "Oh...it's just a cat." He kicks the second sack, where the redhead was hiding. She responds by barking like a dog "arf arf...arf arf." The officer says "Okay...it's just a dog." So he finally kicks the third sack where the blonde is hiding, and she goes....
   "POOOOO-TAAAAAAA-TOOOOOOOOOO"                                                              Long story short, I want to dress up as a potato and reenact this joke, but I want to be    a potato so the blonde isn't actually dumb. Then I can be all like "Joke is on you coppers (police)!"
4. Walk around school dressed in a super hero costume: I don't even care which super hero. I just want to do it. Like, one day on a cold winter day, I could show up to class in costume and when people question my style choice for the day, I can reply with a simple, "Whateva whateva I do what I want."
5. Be in a movie: I will settle for being in a commercial, but a movie would be even better. I could have a one-liner like PeeWee Herman did at the end of PeeWee's Big Adventure (click the link to watch the scene>>> Paging Mr. Herman).
6. Be on Family Feud: My family would CRUSH the competition!
7. See a Psychic: I want to walk in and pretend that everything they say is correct. I will go in with a fake name and identity and go crazy. I want the psychic to be all like, "Guuurrrl, I'm seeing into the future and yo man,  is kneelin' down on his knee." And I will be like, "Oh my gawd, I didn't even tell you I was seeing someone and you already knew. It's like you have ESPN or something." It's funny because I don't have a man.
8. Googly-eye stuff at Walmart: I want to be like Seth Green. He makes everything better. Watch the video and see what I mean (>>>Seth Green does Googly Eyes). 

 9. Hi-Five the tallest man alive: Sure, I may have to climb a tree to reach his hand, but it will be worth it.

10. Put a ring on it: I want to go out one night with a guy and wear an engagement ring to a bunch of bars and restaurants. We can fake get engaged everywhere we go and it will be amazing! 

          

Country Music is my Jam

"That's my song, that's my song."
No but really, that's my song.
Yeehaw!!!

1. What other genres can successfully pull off singing about a Red Solo Cup? None, that's what. I'm pretty sure red solo cup sales dramatically increased after this song came up. I wouldn't be surprised if Toby Keith now gets a lifetime supply of those things.

2. Hot white men in cowboy boots and a hat, serenading you with that sweet and sexy, smooth, yet rugged, voice.

YUMMMMM.

3. Songs about alcohol and women aren't usually used in the context of "big booty hoes" and "shots till you drop." It's more about the good times (and the bad times) when drinking, and referring women in a more noble manner, using terms like beautiful or singing about love or the loss of it. 

4. If you want a good cry, turn on a country song, or watch one of their videos. Chances are, if it is a slow song, you will end the song sobbing and walking to the fridge for some rocky road ice cream.

5. Female empowerment! I'm not some crazy feminist. I like having the door held open for me. I love being given flowers and the man paying for the meal. Unfortunately, I still want to be treated with some form of equality, or at least know that I am badass enough to put fear into the men who break my heart. Singers like Carrie Underwood, Miranda Lambert, and Sugarland's Jennifer Nettle have that girl power to show men what a real woman is made of. 

Country music is awesome. There is not really another way to put it. It has heart and soul and can offer so much happiness (or sorrow when you want that good cry). So sit back, turn on some country music, and take a backroad down that sweet harmonic lane. Grab a sweet iced tea, add some liquor if you are feeling particularly adventurous, and enjoy that country music! #countrymusicforlife

Just a Few of My Favorite Things

I love music, but then again, who doesn't? I am all over the map with genres. Not only am I getting a vast array of bangin musical selections, but I am finding lyrics to live by from all these fabulous artists. Below are a few of my favorite lyrics that I love to recite on the daily:

• Fergie:
•  Big girls don't cry.
• If you ain't got no money take your broke ass home.
• Beyonce:
• Ego so big you must admit, I got every reason to feel like I'm that bitch.
• Mackelmore
• And we danced, and we cried, and we laughed, and had a really, really, really, good time.
• But shit, it was ninety-nine cents
• Duran Duran
• Her name is Rio and she dances on the sand (I would be Rio in this case)
• Drake:
• I'm the fuckin (wo)man
• Rick Ross:
• I'm on my cell phone
• Miley Cyrus:
• So I put my hands up, they're playin' my song, The butterflies fly away, I'm noddin' my head like Yeah! Movin' my hips like Yeah!
• Eminem:
• But you gotta search within you, You gotta find that inner strength, And just pull that shit out of you, And get that motivation to not give up, And not be a quitter, No matter how bad you wanna just fall flat on your face and collapse
• JayZ:
• Living the life, Vanilla wafers in a villa.
• Kreayshawn:
• One big room, full of bad bitches.
• Angel Haze
• Okay I'm rambo I ram shock, I'm after that cheese like rat traps.

And we can never forget my all time favorite line to quote:

Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens
Bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens
Brown paper packages tied up with strings
These are a few of my favorite things

I have never actually seen this movie all the way through, but I do make it a point to sing along to this song.

I think everyone should live by some of these quotes. These artists have some real talk going on. They are like modern day preachers telling it like it is. #keepinitreal