Have you ever opened your eyes after a long, sleepless night and say to yourself, "Today is a new day. Today will be better than yesterday." Have you ever been terribly wrong? If you are a lucky soul who hasn't had this type of experienced, then consider yourself blessed. You're also going to sympathize with me, want pat me on the back, then ask if you can buy me a drink. I'll totally take you up on that by the way.
Let's start with my morning:
6:00AM: I woke up, yawned, stretched myself out across the bed and thought to myself, "It's parade day! Fingers crossed I don't run into any problems!" That was my first mistake. I Should've expected the worst. At least that way my expectations would be accurate to my experience.
8:15AM: I head over to Starbucks off Benicia Road to get me a nice hot cup of coffee and a breakfast sandwich to start my day off on the right path. WRONG. These fools (for the second time since I've been there) forget about my sandwich, however, every Tom, Dick, and Jane managed to get their soy no foam lattes and reduced fat turkey bacon sandwiches with the eggs taken out. Why the hell are you going to order a damn sandwich and not even eat half of what's inside!? Another fifteen minutes pass while one of the male baristas politely tell me "Girl, don't even trip about that sandwich. It will be out soon."Sure enough, I had to re-approach the cashier by sending her evil eyes that reminded her that while she was busy heating up SOMEONE ELSES SANDWICH, mine still had not been made. Long story short, I FINALLY got my sandwich and was on my way to bart station number one.
9:00AM: My friend Portia and I made our way to Walnut Creek Bart Station. Unfortunately, to our dismay, the ENTIRE bart station was full. I take blame for this one. Coffee could've been purchased earlier and efforts could've been made to get to the station earlier. In the end, do I care? No. Do you want to know why? Because that's the way the cookie crumbles when it comes to decisions I make in my life. Does the cookie crumble for me in an unpleasant way as the day wears on? You bet your sweet ass it does. We hopped on over the the Pleasant Hill Bart Station and it all goes down hill from there.
10:15ishAM: We continued our walk as the sun burned our souls for about a mile before we made it to the end of the parade from where we planned to watch the event. As we semi-successfully weaved our way through the crowds, several men caught on to our skills. Specifically, one man made the rather unwise decision to SMACK MY ASS while hollering out, "Andale! Andale! Move that sweet ass girl!" I'm sorry random stranger, I had no idea that you thought it was acceptable for you to touch me in a way that was incredibly inappropriate. I should have known that something like this was going to happen. Next time, I'll wear Spandex, lose 50 pounds, and stop doing squats. Maybe by this time next year, my ass won't be so sweet and you will have to smack someone else's rear end. Perhaps I'll return the favor will a smack across the face so you can shut your foul mouth.
11:20ishAM-12:30PM: We settle down in the burros of another family with the hopes that people won't make the unwise decision of pushing and shoving. Once again, I let my high expectations get the best of me. Roughly 20 people pushed and shoved us, including the children (the eldest was no more than 9 years old) being kicked out of the way. You read that word correctly. KICKED.
If we fast forward a few more minutes as hostility rises among the crowd, another young man wanted to move forward in the crowd and closer to the front. A group of young men, about the same age, told him no. When the guy (let's call him Pony Tail) persisted that the group of guys move out of the way so he can get through, one of the guys (let's call him Black Shirt) took an unnecessary stand. Suddenly, Black Shirt had enough of Pony Tail's shit. As arms were swinging, I was shoved into a man with a lit cigarette who PUT IT OUT ON MY WRIST in his state of confusion and the fact that he is an idiot for smoking in a dense crowd to begin with. All of a sudden, Pony Tail was on the ground and blood was all over his face! My left wrist was covered in ash thanks to Smokie McSmokerson.
I thought to myself, "Now that was it. That was the worst part of today and it is finally over. I need a beer." Was this the end? Absofreakinlutely not.
About 30 minutes later, a teenager (maybe 16 years of age at most) proceeded to shove herself into the family we were standing near. She was obviously drunk, not to mention she proceeded to VOMIT EVERYWHERE. Then, this little asshole started yelling at the family who gave her a plastic bag to finish puking in. Apparently, she still wanted to go to the front of the crowd. She didn't think it was fair that this family wouldn't let her through! What a nut case!
Fortunately, there was a silver lining. The grandmother in the family (let's call her Abuelita because she was a tiny fire cracker who smokes A LOT of pot) jumps onto her ice chest and points to a man in front of us, all while screaming out, "Cutter! Cutter! CUTTER!!!" She must've seen the wild look in my eyes that complemented my state of confusion because she looked at me and said, "That man! You see him right there!? He is a CUTTER!!! He came walking in and shoving everyone screamin' out 'I'm blind! I'M BLIND! I need to get through!!! What a f***ing shit head." For the record, she was the most normal and kind woman I met that day. She even offered me a Now and Later.
Did you think that was the end of Madison's Crazy Oakland Escapade? Well, you're wrong. As if things couldn't get weirder, crazier, and scarier, people from behind begin spreading like it's the Red Sea and Moses is coming to free us all from our madness and confinements of the crowd. Suddenly, Moses comes walking down with a SNAKE wrapped around his body! Now I know ya'll didn't see that coming because I sure as hell didn't.
By the time the clock struck 12:30, I was out of there. Abuelita was leaving with her family and we hustled our asses off behind her! I left Oakland with a bad tan, a cigarette burn, and a need for a drink (or some ice cream). We settled with some crepes and a trip to the movies with an attempt to forget the horrific trip to the Warriors Parade.
By the way, I'll be at the bars in Benicia accepting my free drinks :) .
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