From Bow Wow to Lil Romeo

The other night I was watching Like Mike (don't judge me). While singing along to "He's playing ba-sket-ball (Bow Wow Plays Basketball)," it occurred to me that I can't remember the last time I heard someone talking about Bow Wow. What happened to him? I then remembered that back in my early teenage years there was a feud between him and Lil Romeo. Then I thought, what the hell happened to Romeo!?
Sooooooo I googled both of them and here is the conclusion I came to:

Lil Bow Wow: Now referred to as Bow Wow (real name: Shad Gregory Moss)

In December of 2012 on his website, bowwowtoday.com, he posted what I thought was a blog entry titled "I'm Back." As it turns out, they were lyrics to a song he apparently wrote or performed or something.
I also remember that he played a hippy in that movie Roll Bounce (2005), but considering that it has been about eight years since this came out, I think it is safe to say that his role as a "hippy" might not actually be his role. I'm gonna have to watch this movie again.
The last song I remember him performing is 2007's Jump Off. It's actually a really catchy tune. I listen to it at least once a month.
Fun fact, if you click the "Read Full Bio" link on his website, it takes you to Wikipedia. How convenient. We all know how accurate Wikipedia can be.
Also, when I googled "Is Bow Wow" google finished my sentence with "Dead?" Ha. Google, you are funny.
I lost interest after clicking that link, so I shot my way over to Lil Romeo.


Lil Romeo: now referred to as Romeo (real name: Percy Romeo Miller Jr.)

I got bored after i put up these pictures, so instead, I googled "Bow Wow Romeo Feud." Here is what I found:

• Master P is Romeo's father. What!? How did I not know this??
• Romeo quit his music career to pursue a basketball career after Bow Wow said, " I want to be in the NBA." In a sense, Bow Wow already achieved that in the movie Like Mike, which surprisingly never showed Michael Jordan. 
• There is no actual mention of what the beef was really about. 
• I also found a picture of Bow Wow possibly making out with a man who was part woman. I'm not sure if she is a woman who became a male or a male who became a woman. Either way, it looked pretty manly. No judges though. Bow Wow, you just keep doing what you're doing. 

This could not be a more boring blog entry. I was hoping to find something along the lines of, "Romeo was caught in the act of hooking up with Bow Wow's man-girl, Juliet. A fight immediately broke out as swords were drawn and Bow Wow yelled out, WWHHYY!??!?!?!"

Was that too much? I felt like that was too much. If anyone else knows what these two people are doing with their lives, feel free to let me know.

You Know You're from Vallejo When...

Vallejo Bitch, Vallejo California. Ok seriously, I would never say that, but still, someone felt the need to sing a song about Vallejo that uses those words as lyrics (See Indecent the Slapmaster). Don't get me wrong, Vallejo has its upsides, like Liled's (the most fantastic ice cream shop in Vallejo) and Planet Fitness (where else can you work out at 2am and not get judged). That second reason was slightly sarcastic. I'm just cheap and it only costs $10/month. Moving on, you know you are from Vallejo when "YOUR" has been written as "UR." This isn't your BFF Jill, this is a public sign (IDK My BFF Jill?). 

Stuff like a man standing on the Benicia/Martinez sign is actually a common thing. As The Bangles would say, "Just another Manic Monday" or in the words of my sister, "Tuesdays in Vallejo."

Vallejo is the kind of place that has a prostitute on every corner and if you're a woman, the men will assume you are a hoe. One time, I was walking down Redwood Street looking for some dogs I was watching that escaped (long story and intended for another blog entry) from my house. I was about a mile away from my house when a man in a hydraulic car approached me. He asked me how old I was and if I wanted to make some money. My response went a little like this:
"RAPE! I'M CALLING MY GRANDMA! I'M TOO YOUNG FOR THIS. ME NO ESPEAKE ENLISH! GGRRAANNDDMMAA!!! 911!!!"
I really did call my grandma. I made her come get me as I ran in the direction she would be driving. He called me a bitch and drove off, but hey, at least I don't have an STD.

So, I survived being taken up as a hooker (by the way, I was in work clothes and it was raining, which consisted of black pants, a black shirt, and an oversized windbreaker), but that isn't the only way you will know that you're from Vallejo.

When people ask you, "Oh you live near Discovery Kingdom" and you reply with, "Where I come from, it's called Marine World."
Then they ask you, "So do you have a season pass?" and you reply with, "Do you want me to serve you some fruit PUNCH?"
Of course the answer is No. It's bad enough I can see that place from my back yard. The only time it comes in handy is when they have their fire work shows because I can just go outside and watch them without having to deal with people.

You also know you are from Vallejo when you see things like a Biscuit sign where the sodas are in Safeway.  If you are new to Vallejo, no matter what store you go in, you will most likely mistake it for Walmart

You know you are from Vallejo when you leave your house in Christmas pajamas in July and you see at least six other people doing the same thing. There is no shame in wearing pajamas in public. 

You are from Vallejo if you curse like a sailor. When I first started going to school in San Rafael, I had a terrible potty mouth. Since I lived on campus and all I saw were classy white people who say things like, "Crud Muffins" and "Oopsie Poopsie," I cleaned up my language. Sadly, I now commute from Vallejo, which also means I got back my potty mouth. 

Only in Vallejo will someone else's last name be CUCCHI." Ouch. That must've hurt growing up.

Speaking of Kaiser in Vallejo, I once went in for a basic eye exam, you know, the one where they stand you like 20 feet away from that letter board and make you cover one eye at a time and read where they point? Well, they gave me a Kleenex box so I could cover my eye. Talk about ratchet. 

You know you're from Vallejo when you think of it as a zoo. Everywhere you walk/drive, you see animals on the street. They have cats, dogs, possums, raccoons, and rats everywhere! Stanley was one of those animals. He was lucky enough to have some pity shed on him.

You know you're from Vallejo if you go to the movies and expect someone to be talking throughout the entire film. You also aren't surprised if a fight breaks out. I too have been involved in one. Some crackhead teenager was talking on the phone and my grandma politely asked her to walk out if she wanted to continue the conversation. This girl proceeded to finish her conversation, then kicked my grandma's chair and threw popcorn on her. NO BODY messes with my grandma! I gave that fool a piece of my mind. When she got kicked out, one person even whispered, "I don't wanna mess with that chick. Everybody better shut up." I felt like such a badass.

Lastly, you know you are from Vallejo when a homeless person turns down food but says they will "gladly except the money in your pocket." Bitch please. Even I don't have money for that. Hell, just last year, the lights on my fake Christmas tree died, so I had to improvise.

As a disclaimer, I would like to say that I have no shame in my Christmas tree. It reminds me of Charlie Brown.

On that note, Vallejo has its good attributes and its no so good attributes. As I always say, You can take the girl out of Vallejo, but you can't take the Vallejo out of the girl.

Things that go wrong in a woman's life

I decided to ask some of my lady friends about things that go wrong in a woman's life. Below are some of their responses, along with a few of my own.

1. No tampons at that time of the month.
2. No nail polish remover when it is time to change colors.
3. Walking past a hot guy and you are looking like a hot mess.
4. Looking like a hot mess when everyone and their mama decided to go out and see you. Im sorry, I didn't realize we were playing Where's Waldo and I have taken on the role of a man in a red and white striped shirt.
5. That awkward moment when you are on a first date and your man leans in for a kiss but you aren't so sure if it is open or closed mouth. You either get licked in the chin or you are the one doing the licking.
6. Getting a nastasass pimple before your first date. As if it weren't already a struggle deciding what to wear, you now have to find tattoo coverup.
7. Wearing a bikini with a tampon and that string hangs out. No mom, that isn't part of my bikini.
10. Falling off the treadmill at the gym. Trust me, there is a reason I don't use that machine anymore.

Sometimes, life really kicks you in the ass.  These ten examples are just the beginning to things that could go wrong in a woman's life. The struggle is real and all these responses have happened to either me or another woman! Damn, it's tough to be a woman.

Let's Hear it for My Favorite Senior Citizen

Grandma Dororty aka GG aka Finnie aka The Best Grandma to Walk the Earth:

1. My grandma is hilarious. To prove my point, here are a few examples in which I almost peed my pants:

Grandma: They should invent strollers for old people.
Me: They do. They're called wheelchairs.
----------

Grandma (discussing a surgery with my aunt): Did you poop a lot of air?

Me: Do you mean fart?
----------
Listening to my grandparents talking to each other on Father's Day:
Grandma: the barbecue is out of gas!
Grandpa: when I checked it last it was in the green. Sorry honey. 
Grandma: plan B! Go get the Morgan Freeman!
Grandpa: he makes cooking utensils now too?...do you mean the George Foreman? 



2. She isn't afraid to get down with some fake mustaches:

3. It's been over ten years, and she still makes awesome faces like this one:

4. She isn't afraid to take a nap in public...and next to a stranger nonetheless:

5. She has her own garden that would put everyone else's garden to shame. Need fresh lettuce? No problem, just visit my grandma.

6. She did this:

7. She has a Facebook...and uses it regularly.

8. She still gets down with the get-down!

9. If she sees a tree with fruit, you better believe she will take it as her own.

10. Check out that smile! She is timeless!

My grandma is so badass. If those pictures didn't prove it, then I don't know what to tell you, other than you must be blind. That's the only acceptable explanation. Otherwise, it's ok if you want her to be your grandma too. I'm sure she would love to adopt you. 

Bucketlist #1

1. Visit a strip club: Since I will be 21 in just a few short months, I might as well do this in Vegas. Like, an all male strip club where gay men go to watch men...like Magic Mike. Also, a female one, so I can say I did it and then I can go home and take a shower and wash my eyes out with bleach....or an even better idea: I can go to the female strip club first, then to take the burn out of my eyes, I can go visit a Magic Mike club. Genius. Pure Genius.
2. Flash Mob: My moves like Jagger could pull all those flash mobs to shame, but instead of showing off, I would like to join in on a flash mob and get my groove on in public.
3. Dress up like a Potato: There is a backstory to this. It involves one of my favorite dumb blonde jokes. Here it goes: A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead rob a bank. As they are hightailing it out and attempting to escape the poepoe (police), they run inside a bar and hide in the back. The brunette sees 3 empty potato sacks and so each one hides inside a sack. The police come to find nothing except for 3 potato sacks. Out of frustration, an officer kicks the first potato sack where the brunette was hiding. She quickly replied by saying "meow meow..." And so the officer just says "Oh...it's just a cat." He kicks the second sack, where the redhead was hiding. She responds by barking like a dog "arf arf...arf arf." The officer says "Okay...it's just a dog." So he finally kicks the third sack where the blonde is hiding, and she goes....
   "POOOOO-TAAAAAAA-TOOOOOOOOOO"                                                              Long story short, I want to dress up as a potato and reenact this joke, but I want to be    a potato so the blonde isn't actually dumb. Then I can be all like "Joke is on you coppers (police)!"
4. Walk around school dressed in a super hero costume: I don't even care which super hero. I just want to do it. Like, one day on a cold winter day, I could show up to class in costume and when people question my style choice for the day, I can reply with a simple, "Whateva whateva I do what I want."
5. Be in a movie: I will settle for being in a commercial, but a movie would be even better. I could have a one-liner like PeeWee Herman did at the end of PeeWee's Big Adventure (click the link to watch the scene>>> Paging Mr. Herman).
6. Be on Family Feud: My family would CRUSH the competition!
7. See a Psychic: I want to walk in and pretend that everything they say is correct. I will go in with a fake name and identity and go crazy. I want the psychic to be all like, "Guuurrrl, I'm seeing into the future and yo man,  is kneelin' down on his knee." And I will be like, "Oh my gawd, I didn't even tell you I was seeing someone and you already knew. It's like you have ESPN or something." It's funny because I don't have a man.
8. Googly-eye stuff at Walmart: I want to be like Seth Green. He makes everything better. Watch the video and see what I mean (>>>Seth Green does Googly Eyes). 

 9. Hi-Five the tallest man alive: Sure, I may have to climb a tree to reach his hand, but it will be worth it.

10. Put a ring on it: I want to go out one night with a guy and wear an engagement ring to a bunch of bars and restaurants. We can fake get engaged everywhere we go and it will be amazing! 

          

Country Music is my Jam

"That's my song, that's my song."
No but really, that's my song.
Yeehaw!!!

1. What other genres can successfully pull off singing about a Red Solo Cup? None, that's what. I'm pretty sure red solo cup sales dramatically increased after this song came up. I wouldn't be surprised if Toby Keith now gets a lifetime supply of those things.

2. Hot white men in cowboy boots and a hat, serenading you with that sweet and sexy, smooth, yet rugged, voice.

YUMMMMM.

3. Songs about alcohol and women aren't usually used in the context of "big booty hoes" and "shots till you drop." It's more about the good times (and the bad times) when drinking, and referring women in a more noble manner, using terms like beautiful or singing about love or the loss of it. 

4. If you want a good cry, turn on a country song, or watch one of their videos. Chances are, if it is a slow song, you will end the song sobbing and walking to the fridge for some rocky road ice cream.

5. Female empowerment! I'm not some crazy feminist. I like having the door held open for me. I love being given flowers and the man paying for the meal. Unfortunately, I still want to be treated with some form of equality, or at least know that I am badass enough to put fear into the men who break my heart. Singers like Carrie Underwood, Miranda Lambert, and Sugarland's Jennifer Nettle have that girl power to show men what a real woman is made of. 

Country music is awesome. There is not really another way to put it. It has heart and soul and can offer so much happiness (or sorrow when you want that good cry). So sit back, turn on some country music, and take a backroad down that sweet harmonic lane. Grab a sweet iced tea, add some liquor if you are feeling particularly adventurous, and enjoy that country music! #countrymusicforlife

Just a Few of My Favorite Things

I love music, but then again, who doesn't? I am all over the map with genres. Not only am I getting a vast array of bangin musical selections, but I am finding lyrics to live by from all these fabulous artists. Below are a few of my favorite lyrics that I love to recite on the daily:

• Fergie:
•  Big girls don't cry.
• If you ain't got no money take your broke ass home.
• Beyonce:
• Ego so big you must admit, I got every reason to feel like I'm that bitch.
• Mackelmore
• And we danced, and we cried, and we laughed, and had a really, really, really, good time.
• But shit, it was ninety-nine cents
• Duran Duran
• Her name is Rio and she dances on the sand (I would be Rio in this case)
• Drake:
• I'm the fuckin (wo)man
• Rick Ross:
• I'm on my cell phone
• Miley Cyrus:
• So I put my hands up, they're playin' my song, The butterflies fly away, I'm noddin' my head like Yeah! Movin' my hips like Yeah!
• Eminem:
• But you gotta search within you, You gotta find that inner strength, And just pull that shit out of you, And get that motivation to not give up, And not be a quitter, No matter how bad you wanna just fall flat on your face and collapse
• JayZ:
• Living the life, Vanilla wafers in a villa.
• Kreayshawn:
• One big room, full of bad bitches.
• Angel Haze
• Okay I'm rambo I ram shock, I'm after that cheese like rat traps.

And we can never forget my all time favorite line to quote:

Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens
Bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens
Brown paper packages tied up with strings
These are a few of my favorite things

I have never actually seen this movie all the way through, but I do make it a point to sing along to this song.

I think everyone should live by some of these quotes. These artists have some real talk going on. They are like modern day preachers telling it like it is. #keepinitreal

 

Back to the Future: A Timeless Tale

I noticed that the last few posts I made were a little heavy on anger. I blame Kanye West. Just seeing a picture of him will turn me bonkers. I thought I might spice things up a little bit and talk about my love for Back to the Future.

For those of you who don't know what this movie is about (shame on you), let me break it down. A dude by the name of Marty McFly accidentally travels back in time while in an attempt to escape some bad people who were after his homeboy, Doc. The time machine is the most badass thing out there. Instead of it being some spell or black hole to step through, it is a DeLorean time machine. Marty hops inside that wild ride and as he picks up speed, the time machine aspect is triggered and he is sent back in time to his parents' high school years. When I am rich and famous, I am most definitely going to be owning that bad boy of a car.

Last year, I went to Target to buy some toothpaste and walked out with six bags full of stuff I probably didn't need, but that damn store hypnotizes me every time. As I'm walking out, I stumble across this badass-looking car which I immediately recognize. It was the DeLorean. Not the exact same one as in the movie, but it was close enough. The temptation to climb inside and punch in 1955 and go find Marty was the only thought shuffling around in my head. Unfortunately, the movie is fiction, so instead, I took some pictures. Here is a quote to go with it: 

Marty McFly: Wait a minute, Doc. Ah... Are you telling me that you built a time machine... out of a DeLorean?

Dr. Emmett Brown: The way I see it, if you're gonna build a time machine into a car, why not do it with some style?

The car isn't the only thing that I love about Back to the Future. The dialogue is fantastic. Below are a few of my favorite quotes that I love to recite at least once a week:

• 
  

George McFly: Lorraine. My density has popped me to you.

Lorraine Baines: What?

George McFly: Oh. What I meant to say was...

Lorraine Baines: Wait a minute. Don't I know you from somewhere?

George McFly: Yes. Yes. I'm George. George McFly. I'm your density. I mean, your destiny.

• 
  

George McFly: Last night, Darth Vader came down from Planet Vulcan and told me that if I didn't take Lorraine out, that he'd melt my brain.

• 
  

Dr. Emmett Brown: If my calculations are correct, when this baby hits 88 miles per hour... you're gonna see some serious shit.

• 
  

And of course, my all time favorite:

Marty McFly: Whoa. This is heavy.

Dr. Emmett Brown: There's that word again. "Heavy." Why are things so heavy in the future? Is                  there a problem with the Earth's gravitational pull?

For those of you who haven't seen this epic movie (once again, shame on you), I encourage you to do so. I'm a little obsessed (I even have the movie poster in my room).

Why I dislike The O.C.

The other day I was watching The O.C. reruns after some morning yoga. I had french braided my hair  during yoga time because it makes me feel more professional. It makes it easier to pretend that I know what I'm doing. Anyways, so I'm watching this show and Rachel Bilson's character, Summer, is all kickboxing and shit when some dude walks in and asks her if she's ok. She replies with, "I'm in gym clothes and my hair is in french braids, so I'm terrible."
Talk about offensive. Here I am, sipping my coffee and watching this show, when Summer pretty much tells me I am terrible. I proceeded to sigh, turn off the show, take out my braids, and change. What a bitch to ruin my morning.

Then there is Adam Brody's character, Seth Cohen, who has apparently never heard the words "shut up" before. I swear, he talks more than me, and that's saying something. I wouldn't be surprised if I talked in my sleep. He probably does too, because he is annoying as fuck. Like dude, grow a pair, stop hooking up with lesbians, and stop talking. Your mouth is the reason none of your relationships work out.

Finally we lay eyes on Mischa Barton's character Marissa. What a crackhead. She walks around like she owns the whole damn joint, when her sleazy mom couldn't even own half of it if she tried. I get headaches looking at her.

Keeping these three characters in mind, if you like watching this show, good for you. If you don't, join the club. Tomorrow, I think I will put on some workout clothes and french braid my hair. Take that Summer, you bitch.

Annoying Stanley

Today we will be discussing the upbringing of Annoying Stanley.

Stanley wasn't always annoying. He actually used to be kinda cute. Step inside my Delorean and let me take you back in time to July of this year (I absofreakinlutely love Back to the Future, but that is a story for another day...also, yes. I did see this in a Target parking lot).

So here I was, driving Precious (my car) home from the gas station, when my phone began to ring. Being the responsible driver that I am, and seeing that it was my mom (sorry mom I love you), I decided that answering her call was probably not a safe option while driving. I spent the next five minutes driving home. 

Upon my arrival at home, I looked back at my phone to discover I had six missed calls, two voicemails, and seven texts, all of which were from my mom. Guilt began to flood over me as it hit me that someone could have been in an accident. 

Staying in my car in case I needed to drive to the hospital, I called my mom back. Here is how the conversation went:

Me: Mom! Is everything ok?

Mom: No, everything is not ok! Why weren't you answering your phone! What if someone got hurt!? 

Me: Wait, so no one got hurt?

Mom: No. There is a dog at the preschool and he won't leave. I need you to take him to the vet and see if he is chipped. Then take him home and we will keep him until his owners come get him.

Me: Seriously. This is why you were harassing my phone?

Mom: JUST DO IT.

(She then hung up on me)

I let out a long and huffy sigh as I drove to her preschool to pick up the dog. 

So flash foreword and here I am, wondering what kind of dog it is and what I should name it, when in reality, he probably has an owner who is frantically searching for him.

I walk inside the preschool and I lay eyes on the ugliest dog I have ever seen. His ears reminded me of either The Flying Nun or Dumbo.  He had these half eyebrows that looked like baby caterpillars were glued on his face. And don't even get me started on his collar. It was this hideous bedazzled cat collar that he probably outgrew three months before his "owners" even put it on him.

He was so ugly that he was cute. I named him PePe (as in PePe Le Pew) and this is what he looked like:

Look at those legs. He's like one big muscle. 

Anyways, so PePe wasn't chipped and he started annoying me. He barked at his reflection when walking towards the back door. He brought raccoons into the house. He stole my bras (I still haven't figured out how he got them). He looked at me funny. Basically, he pissed me the fuck off.

After three days, I decided that his owners would be calling for him any day and that I shouldn't get attached. Instead of calling him PePe, I started calling him "Dog."

Here is a little note for all of you out there. Calling him "Dog" pisses my mom off. She told me that if I wasn't going to him by PePe, or Peter, or Frank, or Bob (other names I gave him) that I shouldn't say anything at all.

Two whole weeks flew by and I said not a word to "Dog." So here I am, sitting on the couch watching Grey's Anatomy and my mom walks in and is all like "I'm adopting Stanley in two weeks."
All I could think to say was "Who the fuck is Stanley?!?!"

She looked at me like I was a crackhead who put ketchup in my hair instead of shampoo and I wasn't even in the shower. Ya know? Anyways, so I'm looking at Stanley and all I could think of is, "But he is sooooo annoying. Can't we exchange him?"

Long story short, we ended up keeping the shit head. His name is Annoying Stanley. Sometimes when he really pisses me off, I draw eyebrows on him, like in the pictures below.

Also, I like to dress him up in halloween costumes. Eventually, I am going to get him a turtleneck. Maybe a zip up hoodie as well.

My mother officially adopted Annoying Stanley. To this day, he is still annoying. For instance, he peed on a toy hammer at my sister's house today, ate a toy screw, and bit my foot. But I guess since he looks cute as a pumpkin and as spider-dog, I'll allow my mother to keep him....for now.

Dreaming of Hollywood

Sometimes I have dreams where I am a famous writer. Everyone in Hollywood wants me to write about them. I am hot shit.
The only downside to this dream is waking up and realizing that it is only a dream. Talk about a major bummer.
My goal is to make that dream a reality. Ok, I know that sounds cheesy, but it's the truth. I want to take my writing to an entirely new and improved level. I want people to see my name and say, "Madison? As in the Madison May Munson? Oh my gosh, I remember back in the day when she had that blog! I used to read it! Now she is famous!"
It's gonna happen. I have a good feeling about this one.

Don't Tell Me What To Do

The worst part about my love for writing is school. Ugh. I hate being forced to write something that I have no interest in. I feel like professors read my papers and think to themselves, "This girl is an Engligh Minor? With a concentration in Creative Writing? Not possible. The most creative thing she has done is use proper grammar, and that doesn't even count as creativity. It just means that she knows the difference between its and it's."

Those papers always make me feel like an idiot. Especially because my writing is badass. I know how to write. I know how to write well. I am educated, young, and hip. I know the lingo, I know my grammar and punctuation (sort of), and I know what works well for me when it comes to writing. Papers that ask me to talk about prehistory or research papers are disgusting. I just want to take a book and hit myself in the head with it until I pass out.

The worst part is my procrastination. Since I hate being forced to write, I will probably wait until the last minute. This means that I care the least about it. It is boring. It sucks. I don't want to write about it anymore.

Other times, a professor will give me a great topic to write about, but there is a page limit. I once was able to write about original horror movies and their remakes. The page limit was ten pages. If I had it my way, I probably would have extended it to twenty pages. Plus, it gave me an excuse to watch horror movies throughout the weekend.

Why can't school writing be more limitless? I understand the need for a minimum or maximum amount of pages, but I don't understand a professor limiting you to what you can write about, especially if it is a writing class.

One more thing. If it is a writing class where you are asked to give your own opinion, why do professor still grade you? I put my content in the paper, I added the proper amount of quotes, I properly cited, and I gave my own opinion before coming to a conclusion. Why do you have to do my dirty and lower my grade because the opinion I gave is not the opinion you are looking for? Please stop with such nonsense. It will make a lot of students appreciate you a lot more.

Soul-less People

Some days I really do not like people. Sometimes I wonder, "Do these people have souls? Did they sell their soul to Satan? How did this sperm make it to the egg first?"

People who I believe have no soul:

1. People who cut me off.
This is a given. Put on your blinker and if I want to let you over, then I will. If I don't want you in my lane, it's probably because you are a terrible driver, extremely slow, or someone else pissed me off, so I am taking it out on you. Don't just swerve into my lane and expect me to hit my brakes and think everything is fine. For all you know, I could have been in a serious jam session and not paying as much attention to assholes like you.

2. People who drive in the Fastrak lane when they don't have Fastrak.
Before I purchased Fastrak, I felt the pain that other people felt who had to wait in that long-ass line at the toll booth. I would be twenty cars deep and some poopoo head will drive all the way to the front in the Fastrak lane, then cut some poor person off in the front of the line. You, sir, are Satan's spawn.

3. People who cut me off on Highway 37.
I hate you. If I have to wait 45 minutes to get on that stupid one-lane highway, then so can you. Don't come over here with your "I do what I want" mentality and think you can get away with it. I said that people who used to cut me off in the toll booth were Satan's spawn. You are Satan. You have no soul. I'm pretty sure you weren't even born with one. I wouldn't be too surprised if you came out of your mother with horns and a pitch fork. You probably stabbed all the other sperm with it too.

4. People who cannot park.
Why. Why is it so difficult for you to park? No one will judge you if you have to readjust after you puill into the spot. Ok, maybe you will receive a little judgment, but that's ok. It's better than dealing with the wrath of me. Alright, maybe you have a soul. but you are probably just really stupid.

5. People who give me attitude.
Don't even come at me with those flailing  arms and sassy attitude. I wasn't the person who pissed you off when you woke up this morning, so don't even think you can whip your hair and get away with it. I will give the attitude right back, and you won't like it. Take your soulless, three-snaps-make-a-z, ghetto-talk and walk away. Shut up and walk away.

Conversations with Children

One of my favorite things to do is spend time with my niece and nephew. Of course, they are adorable and love me lots, but the conversations we have are just outstanding. Just the other day I was babysitting and talking to my three-year old niece. Here is how the conversation went:

Me: Caden, do you like watching that show Doc McStuffins?
Caden: No, I just watch it because my daddy likes it.

Or how about Rowan's (my two-year old nephew) input into our conversation:

Me: Caden, did you know your mom is my sister?
Caden: No, she is Uncle Al's sister!
Me: We are both his sister!
Rowan: I'm Rowan!!!

Sometimes, Rowan doesn't even respond...well until you call him something else:

Me: Rowan
Rowan:....
Me:  Rowan...Rowan...Rowan...
Rowan:.....
Me: ROWAN!....ugh, BATMAN.
Rowan: Yes?

It is true. Rowan is under the impression that he is Batman. When you think about it, no one has seen little Rowie and Batman at the same time, so for all we know, Rowan is Batman.

Halloween

Halloween was a success. My first time to a club, and I had a pretty great time. 

Here are a few things that happened to me that went slightly awry. Had these things not happened to me, it would have been a lot more fun, but hey, at least it was memorable!

1. Someone put their cigarette out on my arm. What the fuck. 

2. A man with a cape tried to wrap it around me and dance. Hell no! You better get that cape off me before you find yourself in the hospital because the devil beat your sorry ass!

3. A man dressed in all black (I have no idea what he was trying to be) asked me if I was thirsty.  I politely said, "No, I'm fine" to which he replied, "Are you sure honey, I'm really thirsty, so I'm sure you must be too." NO. Thank goodness for my homegirl best friend (in the photo below) was my lesbian lover for the night. What a life saver!

4. McDonalds was closed. All I wanted was a Diet Coke and some french fries. Is that too much to ask for? But no. McDonalds was closed. I had a mad craving, yet the three different locations I drove to seemed to not care about customers who just want a little grub at 3am. For heaven's sake, it was Halloween! They should know people will be wanting some greasy foods and refreshing drinks after a long night of clubbin'!

Some things that went fantastically well at Ruby Skye:

1. A rather large man dressed as the cookie monster busting some serious moves on the dance floor. I should have taken some video of that. It was meant to be shared with the world.

2. The men dressed as SWAT members. AMEN! I said, HALLELUJAH! PREACH!!!

3. The men dressed as cowboys. Talk about some sweet tea to look at!

Overall, I would say that Halloween was a success. Now that I have popped my clubbin' cherry, it's time to hit up all the others! Can I get a hell yeah!?

Curious George Over Here

What is the difference between apple juice and apple cider?
What makes people decide to become extreme juices? Do you just wake up and say, "No. I think I am going to drink my fruit this morning. Chewing takes too much effort."


Or, why do we like to toast bread? Like, it's already been baked.

Why do bagels taste so delicious? If I had to choose between a slice of bread and a bagel, you best believe I would choose a bagel.

Why do I feel like a rebel when I wear holiday socks when it isn't the holiday? Throughout the month of October, I was wearing my Santa socks and my Candy Cane socks. Now that it's November, it's time to break out the Halloween socks, and come Christmas time, I will be wearing some turkey/pilgrim socks.

Seriously. I wish there were a book that had the answers to all the random questions that flutter through my mind.

If anyone knows the answers to these questions, feel free to leave a comment.