You Know You're from Vallejo When...

Vallejo Bitch, Vallejo California. Ok seriously, I would never say that, but still, someone felt the need to sing a song about Vallejo that uses those words as lyrics (See Indecent the Slapmaster). Don't get me wrong, Vallejo has its upsides, like Liled's (the most fantastic ice cream shop in Vallejo) and Planet Fitness (where else can you work out at 2am and not get judged). That second reason was slightly sarcastic. I'm just cheap and it only costs $10/month. Moving on, you know you are from Vallejo when "YOUR" has been written as "UR." This isn't your BFF Jill, this is a public sign (IDK My BFF Jill?). 

Stuff like a man standing on the Benicia/Martinez sign is actually a common thing. As The Bangles would say, "Just another Manic Monday" or in the words of my sister, "Tuesdays in Vallejo."

Vallejo is the kind of place that has a prostitute on every corner and if you're a woman, the men will assume you are a hoe. One time, I was walking down Redwood Street looking for some dogs I was watching that escaped (long story and intended for another blog entry) from my house. I was about a mile away from my house when a man in a hydraulic car approached me. He asked me how old I was and if I wanted to make some money. My response went a little like this:
"RAPE! I'M CALLING MY GRANDMA! I'M TOO YOUNG FOR THIS. ME NO ESPEAKE ENLISH! GGRRAANNDDMMAA!!! 911!!!"
I really did call my grandma. I made her come get me as I ran in the direction she would be driving. He called me a bitch and drove off, but hey, at least I don't have an STD.

So, I survived being taken up as a hooker (by the way, I was in work clothes and it was raining, which consisted of black pants, a black shirt, and an oversized windbreaker), but that isn't the only way you will know that you're from Vallejo.

When people ask you, "Oh you live near Discovery Kingdom" and you reply with, "Where I come from, it's called Marine World."
Then they ask you, "So do you have a season pass?" and you reply with, "Do you want me to serve you some fruit PUNCH?"
Of course the answer is No. It's bad enough I can see that place from my back yard. The only time it comes in handy is when they have their fire work shows because I can just go outside and watch them without having to deal with people.

You also know you are from Vallejo when you see things like a Biscuit sign where the sodas are in Safeway.  If you are new to Vallejo, no matter what store you go in, you will most likely mistake it for Walmart

You know you are from Vallejo when you leave your house in Christmas pajamas in July and you see at least six other people doing the same thing. There is no shame in wearing pajamas in public. 

You are from Vallejo if you curse like a sailor. When I first started going to school in San Rafael, I had a terrible potty mouth. Since I lived on campus and all I saw were classy white people who say things like, "Crud Muffins" and "Oopsie Poopsie," I cleaned up my language. Sadly, I now commute from Vallejo, which also means I got back my potty mouth. 

Only in Vallejo will someone else's last name be CUCCHI." Ouch. That must've hurt growing up.

Speaking of Kaiser in Vallejo, I once went in for a basic eye exam, you know, the one where they stand you like 20 feet away from that letter board and make you cover one eye at a time and read where they point? Well, they gave me a Kleenex box so I could cover my eye. Talk about ratchet. 

You know you're from Vallejo when you think of it as a zoo. Everywhere you walk/drive, you see animals on the street. They have cats, dogs, possums, raccoons, and rats everywhere! Stanley was one of those animals. He was lucky enough to have some pity shed on him.

You know you're from Vallejo if you go to the movies and expect someone to be talking throughout the entire film. You also aren't surprised if a fight breaks out. I too have been involved in one. Some crackhead teenager was talking on the phone and my grandma politely asked her to walk out if she wanted to continue the conversation. This girl proceeded to finish her conversation, then kicked my grandma's chair and threw popcorn on her. NO BODY messes with my grandma! I gave that fool a piece of my mind. When she got kicked out, one person even whispered, "I don't wanna mess with that chick. Everybody better shut up." I felt like such a badass.

Lastly, you know you are from Vallejo when a homeless person turns down food but says they will "gladly except the money in your pocket." Bitch please. Even I don't have money for that. Hell, just last year, the lights on my fake Christmas tree died, so I had to improvise.

As a disclaimer, I would like to say that I have no shame in my Christmas tree. It reminds me of Charlie Brown.

On that note, Vallejo has its good attributes and its no so good attributes. As I always say, You can take the girl out of Vallejo, but you can't take the Vallejo out of the girl.